not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
