We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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