last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
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We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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