I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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