My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
