i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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