so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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