my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
