So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
