why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
