omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
