god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
