I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
