rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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