Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
