phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
