i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
