PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
Four minutes until I can fart!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Couch. On fire.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
