When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
