Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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