I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
