i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
