update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
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Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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