did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize