I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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