btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So squirting runs in the family.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
