ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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