This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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