Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
