Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
