I'm going to rape someone's good day.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
