So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
