The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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