We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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