If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
