just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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