pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
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