Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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