Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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