Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
