My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
