I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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