next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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