I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
i think my cat just said my name.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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