Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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