I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
