How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
