I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
