i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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