If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
