so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
