i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
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