Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
