dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
