dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
