I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
