it's too hot outside to masturbate.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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