I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
