just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I love you. Go after that dick
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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