Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
