sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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