Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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