I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
